Dear Santa

I really really really want this necklace for Christmas.  Since it is still November and National Adoption Awareness Month,  I thought this fit really well with our journey in adoption. As I was looking through The R House Couture I saw this necklace and knew it was perfect. 

I feel that without hope I would not be where I am today.   To be in the process of adoption you have to have hope that things will work out the way they are meant to.  

Courage is what I want to have! I love the definition of courage ( Courage-  bravery, boldness, fearlessness, mettle, fortitude, or intrepidity is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation).

 I love this and I have the perfect place to hang it in our house.  It will be a great reminder to mus of why we are going through what we are going through.

 I gave my Santa list to Jacob so we will see what happens.  I am excited for Christmas and all of the family traditions we have started. 

Adoption Defined

adopt

[uh-dopt]

a·dopt

verb (used with object)

1. to choose or take as one's own; make one's own by selection or assent: to adopt a nickname.

2. to take and rear (the child of other parents) as one's own child, specifically by a formal legal act.

3. to take or receive into any kind of new relationship: to adopt a person as a protégé.

4.to select as a basic or required textbook or series of textbooks in a course.

5.to vote to accept: The House adopted the report.

As I was looking through some blogs today which I have been doing a lot during National adoption Month I came along this post and loved it. It was very interesting to me to see the dictionary definition of adoption. To me adoption cannot really be defined. It means so many different things to so many different people.

As I think about adoption I always get such a great feeling. I know that it may be the only way that I can be a mother on this earth. It means bringing a child to a loving home who has been praying for and thinking about them for almost 6 long years. It means going to Black Friday excited to pick out toys and presents to put under our tree for "our child", it is an answer to my prayers.

I will never forget the day I knew that our family would grow through the miracle of adoption. I love it and am excited to get moving in the process.

How would you define it?

Day 5

This is such an amazing quote. My life has not turned out the way I though and I have had a hard time accepting that. I have been angry, sad, and very very mad. I however have had a change of heart and know that I just have a new path in life. Adoption is that path and I am happy, joyful and excited for that. Oh how life and your outlook on it can change.

National Adoption Awareness Month!!!!!!

Day 4- My path to adoption

Note: I have committed to try and post throughout the month about adoption. As Lindsey from the R house would say "The challenge is NOT to write about adoption every single day (although you can!), the challenge is to make an extra effort to write about adoption this month". So I am going to do just that and post when I can. So here goes.......

I love Adoption!

I feel that the path that brought me to to adoption is very important.

After trying to have children for over 5 years I was told, "You are INFERTILE and will never be able to have children of your own".

It hurt

I cried

I worried

I wondered

I can remember as a young girl dreaming of being a mother someday. I am kind of a hypochondriac and I always worried I would die before I was a mother. To me there could be nothing worse. I would pray that as long as I could have a baby that I would die whenever I was meant to. I know that is morbid but I was young.

I now wonder if the hole in my heart will ever be filled

I wonder if my husband will ever be a father

I wonder if the baby clothes we have will ever be used

I wonder if one day I will have a child to bring out of sacrament when they are upset

I wonder a lot of things

I know the path of adoption is not going to be easy. I will still cry. I will still worry. I will still wonder. However, I will not do it alone. I have the strength I get from my Father in Heaven, the strength I get from my loving husband, the strength I get from my family and friends. It helps to know I am not alone.

I am never going to let those doctor's words get me down again. Just because I am INFERTILE does not mean that my dreams will not come true.

Infertility does not mean I can't be happy.
Infertility does not mean I won't be able to love.
Infertility does not mean my life will be full of heartache.
Infertility does not mean I am incapable of anything.
Infertility does not mean I am worthless.
Infertility does not mean I am less than anybody else.
Infertility does not mean I can not a mother.

My response to Danielle's wonderful post!

Dearest Danielle,

I want you to know how much I love you. I know that our Father in Heaven will bless us with children (whether they be adopted or by you getting pregnant or both). I also know that you are going to be an AMAZING MOTHER SOME DAY (I hope that day is very, very soon)! I love you so much, and I will NEVER, EVER FORGET THE MOMENT THAT WE HAD IN THE SAN DIEGO TEMPLE IN Sep 2008. It is a very sacred experience for us, so I will not go into depth here. But I know that you know what I am referring too.

Above all the most important thing that we can do, no matter how difficult it has been (and will be) is to keep our faith in the Lord very strong!!

We have been through so many difficult trials during the past almost five years now. However, I could not imagine having to go through them with anyone else. I know that w/o you in my life my personal struggles would have been 10 Billion times more difficult!

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us to have a family. I know that soon it will become a reality. I know that if we stay strong and grow closer to each other and the Lord through these experiences, that we will be together forever in eternity with many children and loved ones!

I Love you so much and am so grateful that I have had you in my life these past 7 months. As I don't even want to imagine how much more difficult times would've been without your beautiful smiling face in my life everyday!!

Thank you for being such an amazing and strong Daughter of God!

Though I wish I could do something so that you would never have to feel this way again. Just remember when times get tough like this again and your having another difficult night, that your loving Savior knows exactly what you're going through. He knows your pain and heartache. He knows how you feel when you hear that someone else is having another baby (though you are happy for them, it also may make you sad for us). Above all else he wants you to allow him to take that pain from you, he wants to either lighten your burdens (whether they be physical or emotional ones) or he wants you to allow him to strengthen you (which is what he normally does) so that you can bare that particular burden. I promise you that the next time you are having a difficult night like this one, if you drop to your knees and pour out your heart & soul to your Heavenly Father that he will be there for you. He loves you and it hurts him so to see you in pain.

I just want to say again, that I KNOW that we will have children some day soon. I do not know if it will be from you becoming pregnant or from the Miracle of Adoption. However, I do know that we will become parents together in this life! I know it just as sure as I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that he restored the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth again.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I WENT TO INSTITUTE IN EUGENE, OR ON 3 JULY 2005! I HAD NO IDEA WHEN I WOKE UP THAT MORNING, THE LIFE CHANGING IMPACT THAT ATTENDING SACRAMENT MEETING WAS GOING TO HAVE! I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for bringing us together!

333 4 E MY LOVE!!

Can't sleep, so I might as well post!

So I have had a lot on my mind lately. At least once a month I pull an all nighter because I get looking at blogs of families who have adopted and blogs of birth mothers. I have a few that I blog stock because I love to see what is new in their adventure.

It is no secret to any of my blog readers that we have been married for five years and have no children. However, when you live in Mormonville you are an outsider if you do not have children. I know it should not be that way and that people are really ignorant and have no idea what they are talking about. It does not make it any easier though. It brings up a bag of mixed feelings. I don't like to sound negative or like a complainer but sometimes it is just good to get your feelings out. I am not looking for a pity party either. If you don't want to read on then don't.

To outsiders:
1. Do not ask people why they don't have children
2. Don't tell a woman that they are breaking commandments by not having children.
3. If someone you know does not have children it does not mean you have nothing in common.

I honestly am excited when someone I know finds out they are pregnant or has just had a baby. I cannot say I have always felt that way. I can remember the exact moment I was told by one of my friends she was pregnant and I was really honestly excited for them and not putting on a happy face. However, it drives me nuts when people who are pregnant can do nothing but complain. I would take all of the ailments in the world just to be able to be carrying a child of my own. Enjoy the time you are pregnant and don't complain about it every other minute on your facebook! (side note: Just so everyone who reads my blog I am not talking about any of you). Also, when a parents always talks about how they would love to get rid of their children it drives me crazy. I have had many friends constantly say that on facebook and they finally stopped when I told them I would take their children off their hands for free. ok, so now that I got that out I can talk about new things.

As I was sitting in Sacrament meeting last August I was totally moved by the testimony of one of the woman in our ward. She talked about how they tried to have children of their own for many years. She talked about the miracle of adoption. I was moved to tears and knew right then and there that we were one day going to build our family through adoption. I just didn't know how we were going to get there. Especially with going to school we are not financially ready for it. I have talked to birth mothers, adoptive mother (thanks to my amazing and strong friend Heather). The thought of adoption sends many thoughts through my head. I have hope, faith, excitement, fear, worries, etc. I AM COMPLETELY TERRIFIED!!!!

I know that I am meant to be a mother, that is all I have every wanted. I remember praying when I was a little girl telling my father in heaven that the only thing I ever wanted in my life was to be a mother. I would say that if I was made a mother I would be ok dying whenever Heavenly Father wanted to take me from the earth (I know that is weird but that is how much I ached to be a mother someday). We have been trying since we got married and our going on our 5th year of marriage. I remember at the beginning I would buy pregnancy test every month and every month I would cry when it was false. It was heart breaking. Every time I felt sick or under the weather everyone would say "Are you pregnant?" I wanted to be but I was so tired hearing it. I am blessed to have a wonderful family and wonderful friends. I love every one of my nieces and nephews with all of my heart. It is hard to think that I have had 5 nieces soon to be six, 2 nephews and soon to be three second nephews born since the time we have been trying. I am not jealous, it at sometimes is just heartbreaking to be the only one in the family to have no children at holiday's. Especially mother's day. My family is amazing and I don't feel left out but I have stopped going to church on mother's day, it is just too hard. I don't want to get the mother's day gift they have for everyone because I am a "Future Mom". It didn't do me any good because my home teacher brought me the gift anyway, I can't run far enough. I try to stay positive but it is harder than anyone could ever imagine. I have thought of getting rid of my facebook because everyday someone new is going to be a mother and it tears that my heartstrings. I know these are all normal feeling it is just really frustrating at times.

So Jacob and I are going to be going to talk to LDS family services next week to get things started. Please pray for us. It is going to be an emotional roller coaster. It is not a short process and we can use all of the prayers we can get. I am going to try to update our progress on this blog, but you can always look at our adoption thoughts blog that has a link on this blog under "our blogs", I will be updating that frequently. I love you all and know I can turn to you for support. Hopefully someday soon I will have a baby to wear the many baby clothes we have in our spare bedroom closet.

I am not breakable!

It is funny to me how people try to "Save" my feelings. I had this experience today. On Monday a girl in my child development class was whispering to the girls in my group and I was the only one she wasn't telling her "secret" to. Then she whispered to people in my science class and I was not included. Today I heard her say during science she was pregnant. I went up to her and told her congratulations. I was so excited for her. She then said to me, "I didn't want to tell you because I know you have had problems getting pregnant and I didn't want to hurt your feeling or make you mad". To tell you the truth telling secrets behind me hurt my feelings.

Note to everyone: If you are my friend and you become pregnant do not be afraid to tell me. I will be so excited for you. I would never feel any different. Keeping "secrets" from me would be much worse. Love you all!

Dani