Can't sleep, so I might as well post!

So I have had a lot on my mind lately. At least once a month I pull an all nighter because I get looking at blogs of families who have adopted and blogs of birth mothers. I have a few that I blog stock because I love to see what is new in their adventure.

It is no secret to any of my blog readers that we have been married for five years and have no children. However, when you live in Mormonville you are an outsider if you do not have children. I know it should not be that way and that people are really ignorant and have no idea what they are talking about. It does not make it any easier though. It brings up a bag of mixed feelings. I don't like to sound negative or like a complainer but sometimes it is just good to get your feelings out. I am not looking for a pity party either. If you don't want to read on then don't.

To outsiders:
1. Do not ask people why they don't have children
2. Don't tell a woman that they are breaking commandments by not having children.
3. If someone you know does not have children it does not mean you have nothing in common.

I honestly am excited when someone I know finds out they are pregnant or has just had a baby. I cannot say I have always felt that way. I can remember the exact moment I was told by one of my friends she was pregnant and I was really honestly excited for them and not putting on a happy face. However, it drives me nuts when people who are pregnant can do nothing but complain. I would take all of the ailments in the world just to be able to be carrying a child of my own. Enjoy the time you are pregnant and don't complain about it every other minute on your facebook! (side note: Just so everyone who reads my blog I am not talking about any of you). Also, when a parents always talks about how they would love to get rid of their children it drives me crazy. I have had many friends constantly say that on facebook and they finally stopped when I told them I would take their children off their hands for free. ok, so now that I got that out I can talk about new things.

As I was sitting in Sacrament meeting last August I was totally moved by the testimony of one of the woman in our ward. She talked about how they tried to have children of their own for many years. She talked about the miracle of adoption. I was moved to tears and knew right then and there that we were one day going to build our family through adoption. I just didn't know how we were going to get there. Especially with going to school we are not financially ready for it. I have talked to birth mothers, adoptive mother (thanks to my amazing and strong friend Heather). The thought of adoption sends many thoughts through my head. I have hope, faith, excitement, fear, worries, etc. I AM COMPLETELY TERRIFIED!!!!

I know that I am meant to be a mother, that is all I have every wanted. I remember praying when I was a little girl telling my father in heaven that the only thing I ever wanted in my life was to be a mother. I would say that if I was made a mother I would be ok dying whenever Heavenly Father wanted to take me from the earth (I know that is weird but that is how much I ached to be a mother someday). We have been trying since we got married and our going on our 5th year of marriage. I remember at the beginning I would buy pregnancy test every month and every month I would cry when it was false. It was heart breaking. Every time I felt sick or under the weather everyone would say "Are you pregnant?" I wanted to be but I was so tired hearing it. I am blessed to have a wonderful family and wonderful friends. I love every one of my nieces and nephews with all of my heart. It is hard to think that I have had 5 nieces soon to be six, 2 nephews and soon to be three second nephews born since the time we have been trying. I am not jealous, it at sometimes is just heartbreaking to be the only one in the family to have no children at holiday's. Especially mother's day. My family is amazing and I don't feel left out but I have stopped going to church on mother's day, it is just too hard. I don't want to get the mother's day gift they have for everyone because I am a "Future Mom". It didn't do me any good because my home teacher brought me the gift anyway, I can't run far enough. I try to stay positive but it is harder than anyone could ever imagine. I have thought of getting rid of my facebook because everyday someone new is going to be a mother and it tears that my heartstrings. I know these are all normal feeling it is just really frustrating at times.

So Jacob and I are going to be going to talk to LDS family services next week to get things started. Please pray for us. It is going to be an emotional roller coaster. It is not a short process and we can use all of the prayers we can get. I am going to try to update our progress on this blog, but you can always look at our adoption thoughts blog that has a link on this blog under "our blogs", I will be updating that frequently. I love you all and know I can turn to you for support. Hopefully someday soon I will have a baby to wear the many baby clothes we have in our spare bedroom closet.